


at the world's end

by masterpuppeteer



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide Attempt, a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 18:20:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15977843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterpuppeteer/pseuds/masterpuppeteer
Summary: At the end of the world, I met with you.





	at the world's end

**Author's Note:**

> just for the sake of clarity this takes place back in the iwatobi days

    Haruka can't stop shivering. He has been sitting in the sand hugging his knees in silence for maybe half an hour. He doesn't really remember when Makoto got here, and doesn't really remember the first half of this conversation. All he knows is that he's been staring into the blackness of the midnight ocean before him for what feels like forever.

    "Are you cold? Here."

    Makoto strips his sweater off and attempts to dress Haruka. It takes a little manual effort - Haru doesn't feel he has the strength to help much, and his arms, limp slabs of meat, naturally return to pulling his legs closer as soon as Makoto is done. The sweater is still warm. It helps, he thinks. His awareness of the feeling quickly fades.

    "I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

    If Haru had the willpower to, he would shrug his shoulders.

    "Of course, it's not really about me, is it? Sorry."

    He sniffles. Not because he's sad, but because he's cold and wet. The seafoam that's collected around his feet feels like blades of ice. If there were some way to instantly be clean, dry, warm, and asleep in his bed for a few days, completely forgetting this ever happened, he would jump on the chance. For now he will have to accept things as they are. His mild discomfort is the only thing keeping him attached to reality.

    "I don't actually know why I came looking for you. I just felt it. You know what it's like when you get a sudden gut feeling, right? I don't even remember why I was awake so late."

 _To come get me,_ is Haruka's immediate thought. He buries his face in his knees, disinterested with himself. He can't seriously have expected to rely on fate and the kindness of others to come fish him out of the ocean any time he got the urge to kill himself. That's almost like not wanting to die at all. Doing it for attention.

    That's not quite right, anyway; that isn't what he was doing. He doesn't think he would have done it if he knew it definitely wouldn't work. It's probably just that fate itself decided it wasn't time. But it sure feels like it is, and it was. There was no doubt in his mind at the time. This is the closest to death he has ever felt.

    "I don't mind, anyway. I'm glad to be here with you."

    Haru's reply comes out as a detached grunt.

    "It's pretty chilly, though. Do you want me to take you home? I can help you make something to eat."

    "No."

    "Ah. If you want to stay here, that's okay too." He can almost hear the soft smile in his voice. "As long as I can stay with you."

    He feels him reach over and take one of his hands. Haru didn't realize how frozen his own fingers were until they were wrapped up in Makoto's warmth. He lifts his head again and looks at the moonlit clouds.

    Also thawing is his awareness of things. The bitter reality that he's still alive and will stay that way is starting to sink in. It's dull, but the ache finds a home in his chest.

    It's mostly his fault for not trying harder. It's easier to make himself go through with it when he knows there's a chance he'll make it, but to get there in the first place, he had to convince himself that it would be the end for sure. There wasn't a plan for this situation in which he was forced to keep living.

    The depression is still here. The self-loathing is still here. This awful world and the life it's given him - they've gone nowhere. They're waiting with an open door for him to return.

    "This sucks," Haru says.

    "I know it does."

    They squeeze each other's hands. It's quiet for a while.

    "This is going to keep happening."

    "Someday it won't."

    "I don't want to go home. It's just going to be the same."

    "What do you want to do, then?"

    "I want to take a bath and sleep."

    "At home?"

    He really does shrug his shoulders this time. Makoto leans forward and smiles at him, lightly pressing their palms into the damp sand.

    Whatever happened when Makoto first found him, there was a lot of yelling, a lot of frantic emotions. Haruka didn't process much of it. It was probably easy for him to calm down to his current state quickly; this wasn't the first time this had happened. One could say Makoto was used to it.

    The dull ache grows as he has to acknowledge the burden he's putting on his friend. Every time this happens he'll be the one to deal with it.

    The way Makoto looks at him now is overflowing with love and relief. Of course a passing thought in Haru's mind questions how genuine it is, but he's not going to ask him to confirm that he doesn't mind staying here with him for the fourth time in ten minutes. He'll have to take his word. Trusting is hard, but he can learn.

    "I don't want to walk all the way back."

    "Do you want me to help you?"

    "No," he says, though the answer is "yes" whether he likes it or not.

    "I'll come with you either way."

    "Okay."

    Makoto stands, never releasing Haru's hand but having to drag him to his feet in the process. He stumbles, so Makoto wraps his arm over his shoulders.

    Haru feels seasick. He leans miserably on Makoto to keep his balance. He worries about his grimy hair getting Makoto's clothes wet, but that went out the window when he lent him his sweater.

    "… Thank you for finding me."

    "You shouldn't thank me. I would do it again in a heartbeat, you know."

_You probably will._

    Under dim moonlight, the two, conjoined, turn away from the shore and begin a long walk home.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what this is sdufhsudjfds I hope at least most of it is coherent.
> 
> also to my subscribers SORRY for not updating my other fic [Silence](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5230439) for some time (but you guys should be used to that by now). I promise i am working very hard on it and i'm so close to finishing the next chapter that i can taste it but as you can see recently i have been NOT VERY GOOD
> 
> i made a blog since my last time posting. follow me here: [haruchansan @ tumblr](https://haruchansan.tumblr.com/)


End file.
